The REAL war begins when you return home...
RIP Matthew Emerson and all our Brothers from 2/7 CAV
The REAL war begins when you return home...
RIP Matthew Emerson and all our Brothers from 2/7 CAV
1 (2m 15s):
I apologize for that quick break, we’re back with The Daily American, we still got Killa Cal here. He, you know, obviously life has life has, I mean, this man's been through hell and back in a lay man's words, he's been through fucking hell and back. And, you know, I don't think, I don't think th th the war and, and, you know, the ho the extremely humble beginnings and kind of, you know, no disrespect or anything, but a little bit of a dysfunctional childhood growing up without, without his, his mother. And it's almost like, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that was like, that's just the beginning.
2 (2m 57s):
Yeah. Yeah, for sure. It was dysfunctional. Like it, this is the truth. No, it wasn't like we were adults shitty hands, but you know, it is what it is. Yeah. Suck it up. Drive on, keep fighting. But, but yeah, no, like you said, you know, I just talked to like, and that's honestly, that's not even like fricking that's not even half the shit we actually went through. And I went through, like, I didn't, I left a lot of shit out, but that's just to give people an idea of kind of like what, what, you know, a lot, a lot of combat veterans go through. And I just happened to be one of the guys that's like speak on it because if I don't, it's gonna fucking eat me up.
2 (3m 44s):
And I know I've been in some dark, dark places. And I know when I came back to Mizzou, like certain tuners didn't even know this, but, you know, I got so fucking, like, I was so jacked up on adrenaline, like, yeah. The first month back was cool, dude. I remember that, bro. Like we came back and it was like, boom, we're at three legged monkey. We're in El Paso. We're in frickin by UTEP. Like there, the first night we came back, we got this fight and it's like, dude, what did they expect though? We just had a bunch of infantry dudes that are freaking out banging and Missoula rag, the hottest sector in our Ragdolls just so seven. And then now you're back in society and it's like, oh yeah, be normal. Like, dude, I remember like we had a Sean yam, he was in Delta company demons.
2 (4m 29s):
They, they went through some shit too. They, they had a, they had a tough deployment too. They actually had like Matthew Emerson passed away. That was my best friend, Miguel Medina. That was his, his team leader. No, Miguel was his, his Matthew Emerson's team leader. He died at 19, but I remember that nightmare. Cause we had taken a picture of that night. We had like a big battalion mission and he fricking basically they hit ID and frickin the driver and the swerving off the road. And like he was on the gun and when the vehicle flipped the snaps and that killed him and that was Miguel soldier. And I remember like we came back early and I was at the top and I was just going to the radio.
2 (5m 11s):
I was in my company ale and I heard that Delta company at S K I and I just remember fucking up thinking like, damn, I wonder if that's Miguel and I heard that they were, they were out, they were coming back from the mission. And I just remember seeing Miguel, man, I know that dude since day one, first kid, I met bootcamp and we went to Iraq from us. We went to big red one together and deployed over three or four. I got to charge it together. Like that was my dog man. And I just remember like seeing them have run up to him and he was like, yo cow, man, he started crying. And first time I ever heard him cry. He's like, yo, Matt fucking dead man, fucking dead, man. He's fucking dead. And like, I just remember hugging him man. And we were just crying and I dunno, man, that, that was like the guy I, he obviously was closer to Matt just to see the effect.
2 (5m 60s):
Like I'm the kind of guy like, yo, if, if someone I care about hurts, man, someone I care about is cry. Like they'll cry once I'll cry five times. You know what I mean? Like that's the kind of guy I am anyone that knows me can, can get in touch with that. But
1 (6m 16s):
Got it cool. Then it's kinda cool that you're, you're able to, to admit that, that, that he, that emotional side. W when, I mean, from what I just heard and from what I know, you're, you're a fucking bay dude. Like, like, you know, and yet you still have, you still have the human in you to, to break down and then also like an admitted.
2 (6m 41s):
Yeah. Yeah. That was my upbringing. I grew up in a really loving home is like, once my dad married my mom and like, there were like, just like set a great example. Like they'd been married over 30 years. I've never seen them fight their honor and respect each other. So, you know, I hug my dad. She's my dad. Like I kissed my mom, like my sisters, like it's yeah. I think that's, that's the testimony of them and how they raised us. But I just, yeah, that was, that was a tough deployment. And like I said, I always said like the real war starts to, to get back, man. Cause once the smoke clears and the adrenaline wears off reality sets in and it's like, it's, it's, it's not a good place.
2 (7m 25s):
Cause I almost wanted to go back. Nah, I did want to go back. I was like, send me fucking back. This shit's fucking tomorrow. Cause it's like over there, you just worry about the mission bro. S it, you live where you die, man. Literally you live or you die. It's simple, man. I'm either going to live or I'm going to die. And I remember even like, oh three or four, I remember mortar rounds dropping in. And this is like more than halfway into the deployment. And, and I remember like, literally they're falling right outside of my fricking little 10 hut that we stayed in. And I remember we had these big ass fucking rats and shit that was like eat through our boxes and like fricking eat all our food it dude. So I remember coming back from an overnight mission, I'm looking out the window and 30 of the mortar rounds have fallen and I'm like, I don't give a fuck.
2 (8m 10s):
I'm like, I'm going to go to sleep. And I'm like, God, please. I just asked you to do one thing. If it hits, just, just hit me, like dead on, just kill me. Like I don't want to suffer, but I was able to go to sleep. Like I it's just like you get desensitized and you see some of the darkest forms of human existence, man. And that's why like, I think different than a lot of combat veterans that they think different man. Cause like I've seen the world from an ugly, ugly angle. And that on top of that, I worked, I'm a officer in the department of corrections in Connecticut. So yeah, I see, I still see some evil as people every day. And that's why I think different men. And when I came back, man, I remember a dude, I hit a fucking bad, bad, bad depression, bad man, bad.
2 (8m 56s):
Like I remember on like it's Sergeant tuna doesn't even know this. I went to his house, he lived off post and he had to run out and grab something. And I knew he had a fucking a gun in his fucking house. And I did, I fucking put that foot. I don't even know what it was at 45 9. I don't know. I put it to my head, a Glock and I remember fucking night be like, I'm going to fucking blow my head off there. I was like pulling with the trigger man. And I could feel the trigger pull and I put it down and I started crying and then I called my mom and I, I didn't tell her what I was doing, but I told her I was having a hard time. And like, I think as a, as a man, as a Sergeant, like infantry, like a lot of people will view vulnerability as a weakness man.
2 (9m 45s):
And, and I was kinda like ashamed of myself and I was still processing a lot of shit that happened in 2003. And I remember like starting T K man. Like he, he, I told him what was going on with me. And he's like, you know, he even called my dad and spoke to my dad, but he was like, yo, you need to get the help man. And the hardest thing I ever had to do to like harder than pulling any triggers, man was fucking, I just admitted that I needed help. And like I was ashamed and I was embarrassment. Like, I'm like, I'm supposed to be this fucking bad-ass Sergeant team leader, leading troops into fucking combat. And I'm fucking, I felt weak. And I remember that like when my platoon, like when my actual, like first Sergeant and like, and our captain 10th and Kendall, when they found out, like, I almost felt like they were shocked.
2 (10m 36s):
And also like that there's a fucking beast. Like even before we deployed, like we, we had to do like a gunnery and then we just barcodes, my driver, I shot fucking 10 teas. Didn't miss the target. Like I was a PT, stud was motivated, but I came back, man. I fucking suffered, man. I literally just going to fucking kill myself. Did I fucking, like I said, I had a 45. Oh, I didn't know what it was, but I remember I could feel the trigger, pull the squeeze. And I think I didn't and I went and I got out and then yeah, that third T K kind of policed me up and yeah, I ended up, you know, finishing my military career and they ended up deploying.
2 (11m 19s):
But like I said, I just was like contoured by a lot of things. And obviously my brother was struggling with his PTSD and substance abuse. He never really talked about it. And like, we were both out of the army and I just remember like, he was a high speed. The man, like I remember like he was, we were at, he was dating his, his baby mother at the time when he first met her, I know her ex was like a jerk. And I remember like, my brother was like, that dude was like talking shit to my brother. I was saying, he's going to come with a bunch of dudes. And like my, I remember my brother, he was crazy. He was like a shorter, he was like, probably like five, seven, but Jack, you know, like, and I remember he was like, like, w I just came back from deployment.
2 (12m 3s):
He's all fucked up in his appointment. And like he said, the guy said he was coming with like, oh yeah, I'm bringing like Tony and my boys, blah, blah, blah. And I just remember like getting excited, man. I was like, yo good man. Like, I, I miss being like, I miss that. Like, I'm going to be challenged. Like, like I miss that. Like I wanted like infantry guys would want that. Like, you want to be challenged. And so I remember like looking at my brother and I'm like, oh shit. Like, we're going to bang out with these dudes. And like, they never came, but it was just funny. Cause my brother looked over and he was like, yo, he's like, he's like, yo, just do me a favor, man. If I'm going to kill this to it, just pull me off. But he like, he, he meant it. He was like, if I'm going to like that dude was a monster, but that's neither here nor there.
2 (12m 45s):
That was just like the bond that we had. We were super close. Like I said, he battled with that substance abuse after. And not essentially, you know, he lost his life to PTSD and substance abuse on August 15th, 2019. And that was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life. You know, he was on again, off again, you know, sober. But I just remember like it went from pills and into Robitussin and then alcohol. And I just remember, like I got the job at department of corrections 2009 and I got injured image attempted to assault me or salt staff, whatever like that, nothing that happens in EHRs touches anything I went through.
2 (13m 30s):
But you know, we handled our thing. We did our thing fricking secured the inmate, you know, put a boot to ashes on him. So, but they told me I had a fractured patella and they gave me some perks. And I just remember, I didn't even think of it. But my brother lived in Massachusetts and I lived in new London, Connecticut, and he drove over an hour and a half and he drove. Cause he knew I had purchased in the car. He came in the house and he fucking snatched him up and he took like five and he was like rolling over the ground. But I was so naive. I didn't know. But he also, it's not like he was just like, he was taking pain pills. Cause he worked on a railroad and he had to work to provide his family. It wasn't like, he was like, oh, I want to take this. He's like, I need to take this so I can work to provide.
2 (14m 13s):
And the VA was fucking him with his disability and like his is his disability stuff. So he had to work. And like I said, he went through multiple rehab programs and I would always go up and see him. And I remember one time it was February 15th, no February. It was my birthday, February 28th of 20. I want to say 2015. And I just remember going to the hospital and he was on the floor just skinny as fuck crawling. Like that was the dude I looked up to man, like he was a fucking hero. Like, like anyone that knew my brother was like, he was a ruin too. And double cap him on the fucker and to see like that was fucking killed me.
2 (14m 54s):
But he went to rehab and was in there for like eight months and not in a program in mass and yo he, he fell, dude. I went, I went to go see him. He looked good. And like, that was a yeah. And then, you know, he was good for a while. Then he relapsed and then one day I remember like I was like, I think he was drinking Robitussin. And I was like, yo, Josh, man, why do you do it bro? Like why? He's like, honestly he's like to numb the fucking pain. I was like, damn. And like she never even taught. I've literally he's been through some shit. Like I said, you Google him there's interviews. He talks about like share. They interviewed him when he got he, he was so modest. He never I've literally only had like two conversations with him about Iraq and it was cause he was high.
2 (15m 40s):
But the whole, like the effect the war had on my family, like my parents, my sisters, like I have two half sisters, two from my biological mom. And like, it's just crazy. Cause like, you know, it's Jasmine like teased the older sibling and she looks like my brother and then Chaz is a younger, she looks like we kind of resemble each other. And then I have my sister Hannah from my mom and my dad, you know, all amazing humans, but it's just, it's like the effects Adam, my family man. Like I just remember like, like yo like, oh three to paint a picture, man.
2 (16m 22s):
I flew into Logan airport. I mean my uniform, my mom's freaking sobbing. And like she hugs me and she's crying. I couldn't feel shit. Well, I couldn't feel anything. I look around the whole airport. Everyone's crying, my mom's crying. So all three I'm in uniform and like, I couldn't even feel bro. And I remember like I was laying down, I fell asleep. My mom like woke me up and she was like, Hey, dinner's ready. I was on leave. And like almost freaking grabbed her by the throat dude. Cause I was like, I forgot where I was. And I remember like coming back from Iraq and like I would have fucking nightmares, jump out of my bed and like look for my weapon because like I used to sleep with it and like I would have that anxiety. Like I lost my weapon. And even like recently I was at a friend's house and I fell asleep.
2 (17m 5s):
The dog started barking and I jumped out in my bed and I thought someone was coming into the house and I ran to the door and like, I was like, I was like in the zone man. Like I was like, I turned into a monster and to be honest, I have a lot of footage of Iraq, most 7 0 6 or seven. And it's like, sometimes I get a little embarrassed man. Cause I was a fucking, I almost was like a gangster man, the way I talk and everything like, but I felt like I had to be that just in order to survive man. So there's some shame that comes into that and like how I acted like I was a breech fan too. So like I remember one time I fricking ballistic breach a door. Are we doing a raid? And like there was a woman with her kids hiding like on the side of the door and I peppered her whole leg with fucking shotgun pellets.
2 (17m 51s):
I didn't give a fuck dude. I was just like ruthless man. You know like, so obviously like you don't feel when you're over in Iraq and then you feel all the feels when you get back man. And not like I said, I battled with like depression, bad, you know, tempted, suicide, fucking Roper and fucking pills. And then my brother's substance abuse night, like woo, my family never got a break, man. Never got a fucking break. Like it was like he was deployed, he was deployed. I was deployed. He was deployed and we're both infantry. And you know, we, we were out there putting in work, like there's dudes that deploy in these dudes that do work, you know, and like we're putting in work and we, you know, so like I said, my brother had with the substance abuse ad Bell's battle my depression, but he never talked about it.
2 (18m 34s):
Like he, you know, and like I said, ultimately like, you know, you know, he had a son, my nephew, Caleb, and like, he was good for a little bit, but he would always be good and then not good. Always be good, then not good. And I remember in 2019 did I had about with PTSD and I was like kind of triggered. I was running this company called boots on the ground. And you know, it was more about like inspiring others and boots on the ground. You're going to deal with that adversity. You know, you're gonna have moments of doubt, but at the end of the day, you gotta continue to put boots on the ground, move forward. And it was almost like it was triggering for me. Cause I kept having to like talk about my shit.
2 (19m 14s):
And I was on 94.9 FM radio Lee LC. I know I sent you the interview. And I just remember like literally after that interview, cause I fucking left it all out there and I told people everything that was going on, I was like, I had a fucking 45 in my head. Like I fucking cried like a baby dude. I couldn't stop crying. Cause it was just so much. So the whole boots on the ground thing was kind of like just draining me. So I had to like kind of step away and yeah, but like I said, my brother, he died August 15th, 2019, man. That was the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to deal with. Like I've lost brothers overseas, man. But you lose your blood brother. The ones that he was the first person I met when I came in the world, besides my mom by advisor mom.
2 (19m 58s):
But like we grew up together, man. We were each other's fucking pillow and shoulders to cry on. Like, dude, we're so close or it's like, well my dad married, my mom, the, the one that you met at the Sunday school teacher Miramar. And also did, I remember like being in like fourth grade dude. And I remember we were still taking tubs together and like my mom's like, Hey, you guys are getting too old to be taking tubs. And I'm like, what, what are you talking about? Like you were fucking, you know, it was just that's how close you were. So like you able to see your brother just suffer man. And I literally would be like, God, man, please give it to me, man. Give, give the addiction me. I can take it. I can forgive you and they'll give it to me. Like, he'd always be like, you know, cows, a better man than me.
2 (20m 40s):
And I remember it bro, an August of no, June of 2019 man, I was in a dark place, man. I, I bad on suicide depression. And I just felt like I had no support man, no hope. And, and I was like just around people that didn't really understand what I was really going through. And a dude, I went downstairs in my house and this is after my son was born. I was married at the time. Yeah. I went downstairs in the basement, man. I fricking grabbed the rope and I put it on a fricking board and beam and I was fucking like pulling on to see if you can fucking hold me. And I just started crying. Then first thing I did was call my brother and he sent out the fucking bat signal and that all bomb boys are calling me.
2 (21m 26s):
And then one of my coworkers, I'm a combat veteran as well, like dropped everything and came to check me into the new Haven, Connecticut VA. And I remember like I was married at the time I had a son and then a stepdaughter and y'all talk about low men. Like I felt like I was like just a fucking loser. Like I was like leaving my family behind. And so like, he drove in new Haven VA and like, my brother was fucked up too. Like he was going through his shit, but like he was able to put his shit aside and get me help. And I remember I was in new Haven VA for like two days, I'm going to fucking room like, and I worked corrections and like, I felt like I was an inmate. Like I was looking at a window, like they don't mean on every fucking medication.
2 (22m 8s):
And then I ended up going through the leadership program and McLean McQueen mass. And it's like one of the top like psychiatric hospitals in the country. One of my lieutenants, Neil Lisky kind of took me under his wing and fucking police me up and got me into that program through my state insurance, from the department of corrections. And I was going to lead a program and it was dudes with like PTSD, substance abuse. It was all like cops, troopers, veterans DMTs. So I went into that program, man. And that's this was in June. And like I said, I, I was, I was in the hospital for two days and then they S when I got to McLean, I was in, I was in like a psych ward for like four fucking days.
2 (22m 49s):
And I was dude, they hadn't been so many different meds, man. I like don't Jack. It do was fucking work out. And like, so I just kept working out man, but I don't, the meds were fucking me up. I was going to get more anxiety, man. And, and then I was around a bunch of civilians too, so that didn't help. But finally I got into a leadership program and not, you know, one of my last memories of my brother, man was like, no one came to see me. Like my wife didn't come at the time. My parents, you know, they, they didn't come. It's not that they didn't want to, but it's hard for parents to see their kid go through stuff like that. And I just remember like, yo, I'm like three months, three weeks into the program. And my brother came to see me then. And I told him, I'm wearing like fi anyone knows that I'm always squared away.
2 (23m 31s):
I got a fresh haircut. Take care of myself. Don't wear dirty ass, like gym clothes. I got a beard, no haircut. Like I'm just fucking depressed, press head down. And I see this car coming up, black car, like Honda Accords, got the purple heart plates on it. Music bumping. I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? And like, it's my brother. He pulls up hat backwards glasses on fucking fresh hair cut. Like he got his shit together. And he's like, he goes, he, he goes, damn Cal damps under the time to change, bro times have changed. Like meaning like, yo, how was the guy that was went to go see him now he's coming to see me. And nah, he was good, man. Like we went to Chipola. He met the people I was in a program with. And like I remember being at Chipola.
2 (24m 12s):
He was like, he was like, man, I don't want to say why motherfuckers love me, man. He's like, I can't fucking stand people, but everyone fucking gravitate toward me. The kid that bigger than life personality, like he was the guy that could do anything, man. He was so high-speed. But like he was the guy that like, didn't have to try and he was good. He was great. You didn't have to try it. Anything. It was great. So he came to see me, man. We had a good, good time once Chipola went to best buy. And like he bought me some headphones. I knew he didn't have it like that. But he brought in those headphones and some Skullcandy headphones and I still have them. And I just remember, like we were getting ready to leave Manny drop me off. And I'm like, he's the only one that came to see me. Father's day pass and walk in and see me. Like, I remember he like gave me a hug man.
2 (24m 56s):
And like, he couldn't look at me in the eyes. He was like, we were both getting choked up and you know, he left and he sent me a message and he was like, yo cow. He's like, honestly, bro, like I need that Calvin, that turns water into wine. The ones that my brothers look up to and in the one that wears his heart on the sleeve inspires people. He's like, yo, if it wasn't for you now to fucking kill myself a long time ago, cause he was fighting some demons from his appointments, he's went through some shit. And I just remember like reading that message and I'm like, I, I can do this man. And I'm getting on the program. And I went back home to my family and I was still going through it, man, like still battling. But I was like, man, I gotta, I gotta fight, man.
2 (25m 36s):
I gotta, I got a son I've stepped on her. I had a wife at the time and a dude, I remember like my brother calls me and he's like, I'm on my way to EMDR therapy, which is the either form of therapy where it's like, you hold these paddles and it helps you like process top trauma and, and vibrates. And it helps me integrate your left right side of your brain. So I was doing,
1 (25m 58s):
I think it's just so the, just, just to, so the audience doesn't think it's, I've, I've moved men, the census visitation and reprocessing it it's it's, it's basically Frank Francine Shapiro started this program and it's basically the idea that negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors are a result of on process memory. So, so this, this new form of therapy has helped, you know, a lot of veterans and, and Killa Cal can.
2 (26m 28s):
Oh yeah, yeah. Honestly, I'm a huge advocate of EMDR therapy that I have one of the best therapists that I've ever had in my life. Mark ne and he I've been doing trauma work for the last two and a half years with him with the EMDR. And it's like, nah, it saved my life, man. I actually texted him today. And I was like, bro, I just want to thank you, man. Like you don't know how much you've helped me. I'm humbled in that. So with the thing with my brother, like I remember that he's like, yo, I'm in town. I'm like, dude, he lives in Webster mass. And I live in Waterford, Connecticut. And like, you don't just come down this way without, you know, and know.
2 (27m 8s):
So he came by after my therapy and I remember I saw him in the, he looks so good when I saw him on, when I saw him, when I was in my PTSD program and do it, he came up and I just remember like, oh man, he's like was like gray. He looked gray. Like his skin was gray. Like his eyes are glossy. And I was like, man, Jeff, like, I was like, I was like, bro, like I love you man. I was like, dude, I was like, man, but yo, I was like, I have my family here, bro. Like, you can't be around like this man. And, and he's like, oh I'm fine. I'm fine. And then the heat, I was kind of embarrassed and we're in front of my house man.
2 (27m 50s):
And I was like, yo Jeff. And he's like, yeah man, I'll see, y'all looking at me, bro. Look at me. I was like, yo. And I'm talking to my hands. I'm Paul, look at me, bro. Look at me, look me in the eyes. I'm like, yo, I fucking love you, man. I fucking love you, man. I was like killing whatever you need to do to get better. Fucking, I got you. I'm here for you. I fucking love you bro. Like give me a hug man. And like, yo, I'll never forget. That was the last time I ever saw him. And like, yo, he gave me that hug in that look like where he couldn't look at me. And his head was down as young me and it was like, he was ashamed and it was like, he knew he was, he was, he was gone and the next day I'm on my way to work. And like I said, I'm still, I got out of that program and I was still fucked up, you know?
2 (28m 32s):
And, and like I said, I didn't have the best support system around me, but I was, I was still fucked up. And I remember on my way to work, he calls me like seven 30 in the morning. I'm on the highway and he's like, yo cow. I'm like, yo, what's up bro? He's like, yo, I can't fucking stop, man. I was like, what is that? I can't fucking stop drinking. I can't fucking stop drinking. Like he kept like hitting his head. I could hear it. He said, I can't fucking stop drinking. I can't fucking stop. And then he just like, you know, I was like, bro, like, let me call Lee. His buddy that worked at VA. Let me get you in a program. Like, hold on bro, hold on. And then he texted me. He's like, oh thank you man. For, you know, being there for me.
2 (29m 13s):
And then, you know, I get a couple of weeks ago by the hearing from them. And then one of my army buddies Jr. Miki saved my life. I was gonna fucking kill myself when I came back another time. And like I ran into him at the mall and he was like, oh, like what's going on? And like, he's a five-time combat veteran purple heart recipient, bronze star. He actually runs his own private security company called rat pass security. It's one of the top private security contracting companies in the country right now. He's doing big things. But yeah, he's got five deployments came from long beach. Like dude, he was like a big brother to me. I love that kid. But he took me under his wing and squared me away.
2 (29m 53s):
And he came down to Connecticut cause he was doing like Yukon, like business school trip for like his business. It was like, the VA was paying for it or something. And we're in Hartford, Connecticut. And I remember like, we're driving cause he didn't have a car. So I live in Teaneck. Yeah. I took him to go to Walmart and we get to the stoplight and all of a sudden like a car pulls up on the right of us. I'm looking, I'm scanning on, let the fuck. And all of a sudden the car starts shooting at us. Right. And I'm like, what the fuck? So they were shooting paintball guns, but it sounded like real fucking gunfire. Cause it was like ricocheting off the car. So like, I'm like, dude, if we were packing, we would've been fucking those dudes would've got fucking dealt with. And I'm like, first thing I did was like, I fucking check myself.
2 (30m 36s):
I check him like, you're good. And then I started to like pursue the car and then I was like, it's not going to be good for them if we get ahold of them. So I was like, let me just fall back. So the in Jr has been through shit, you know, he was like, damn. I was like, yeah. But so that night, you know, I see him, like I was going through some depression that I was, you know, I, like I said, I was in the best mental state at the time. And I remember like after I saw him, I was like, all right, bro. Like we hung out and do it. I'm on my way home man. I'm listening to this podcast and like I took a different route home just so I can listen to podcasts like 1145 and I get the call and I see it. It's like, I want to say 1145.
2 (31m 17s):
And I get the cards from my dad and right away I knew it. I knew that call was going to come. And I always told my dad I'm like, it's going to happen. Watch dude. He all, he said it was cow. And I'm like, yeah. He's like, he started crying. He's like your brother. And I just kept saying no, no fucking no, no, no. And I just fucking like drove into my parking lot and my oh my driveway and I just was screaming. No, no. And these, your brother, like they don't know me. He's gonna make it he's on life support. Like what happened was he drank so much? Like it was crazy. He wasn't even, he didn't even like, like the taste of drinking. He just did it to like numb the pain blackout. He drank so much that he like his whole, his whole house was like flooded.
2 (32m 1s):
His sink was running like the neighbor called the cops to check a wellness check. And then my brother like stood up and they escorted him to the hospital and he calls my dad and he's like, Hey, I'm in the hospital, but I'm okay. Blah, blah, blah. But then shortly after that he went septic and everything, all his organs start to shut down. He went to like septic shock from all the alcohol. So my, my dad's like, yo, he's not going to, we don't know if he's going to make it. And like I cried in the car for two hours. I knew that they was going to come. And I, and I said to myself, I was going to be ready. But the, you know, you're never ready T like you're never ready. Like, especially with your brother, man. In that day, I went to the Springfield hospital where he was at.
2 (32m 44s):
And I was there with my family and he was hooked on all these machines and like breathing to the machine, the highest blood pressure medication, all his organs are shutting down and he was 37 years old. And, and I remember seeing him, I just fucking cried man. And my parents couldn't take it. And I kind of had to take the power of attorney because my dad was going through it. My mom and I had to like, say like, yo, like I know my brother, like, you wouldn't want to live like this. And they were like, oh, we're going to try surgery. We might be able to do something. And so then we went home that day and the doctor called and said, he's not going to make it through the night. And I just kept saying to myself, like, I just don't want my brother to die alone.
2 (33m 26s):
And I went to the hospital and I just laid out his bed and I held his hand and I was like, yo, Jeff, man, you can go, bro. Like, you can be at peace then on bro. You can be at peace and you can rest. And yo, he's a fighter man. And he fucking made it through the night. He made it through the night, man. He has that dog. And like me and him, we both have a chip on a fucking shoulder man. Cause like we came from nothing and he's a Renoso yeah, yeah, exactly. Man. My dad's a fighter. Like we're all, we're all fucking, we got chips on his toilet and like he, he made it to the nightmare. So like, so I go home, I sleep for like two hours. Right. I go take my son to the park and I get a call from the doctor and he's like, Hey man, your brother's in the highest blood pressure, medication, ice, heart medication, you know, at this point, it's nothing else that we can do.
2 (34m 15s):
So they're like, he's going to go. And essentially I had to call my dad and tell him like, Hey, we got to let them go, man. He's he's not going to make it. So like, I just remember like going up there is a nighttime and like driving back up there and I was by myself and like I said, I was in a different place. I had a young son, my wife at the time couldn't couldn't come. So I drove up by myself, man. I remember I called Jr. My buddy, Jared, the one that runs a private security company, bronze star guy. And then I call my boy ed, who I met in 2003 and my first point of Dominican dude.
2 (34m 56s):
And I just was talking to them and like tell him what was going on. And like, you know, they gave me a good perspective. I remember walking into the hospital, I had my army hat on like my, you know, the tactical, like dad hat with the last name on it or whatever. And I remember going up to his bedside and I, and I called his, his best friend Tatum. The one that he was in that explosion with and I put it on speaker. So we could talk to him and say, bye. And like he was crying and like, yeah, it was taught to me. I held his hand and I was like, bro, you can go, man. Just be at peace, man. I know you're struggling. And yeah, well he fucking died. Like I, I literally watched him and I held his hand.
2 (35m 39s):
I just kept seeing myself on the way up. I was like, yo, Jeff, just refill me please, man. I want you to, I just kept saying, I didn't want him to die alone. And I was like, yo, I'm your brother, man. Like, I don't want you to die. I just told him. I was like, man, bro, like I wish it was me, man. I want it to be, I wish I could take his place. You know? And you know, he died at nine 30, 7:00 PM and he was 37 years old and his birthday's in September, which is there at nine. And I remember once he died, it was like, yo, I saw like it's all spirits just leave. And like, it kind of reminded him of Iraq when people would die. Like, I didn't feel anything.
2 (36m 19s):
I couldn't feel, it was like, I was just like, the doctor was like, I have to check his heart rate. And then she looked at me, she said, Calvin, your brother's deceased. And I was like, okay. But it was like the weirdest shit. They took all the shit from him. And I went back in there and like, I remember like giving him a hug and like touching his neck. And I was like, do you use this shell? And then obviously, you know, I felt alone. Like I said, I was not in a good situation personally. And I felt like I couldn't really grieve. And I just remember like, just like, dude, I'd have to like go downstairs by myself, just cry. And it was tough man.
2 (37m 0s):
And like, see my dad goes through that. And then my parents, like I'm trying to take care of a family and they're working 60 plus hours a week. And then dealing with the loss of my brother. Like I buried my brother on Friday and I was at work on Monday, man. You know, it was like, it was just like a fucking blur man. It's the hardest fucking thing. But the good thing is like during the ceremony, all dude, he had like 20 dudes that he served with that fucking flew down from all over the country and just showed love. And you know, we buried him in the middle of Middletown, Connecticut veteran's cemeteries and a nice slot. It's just, you know, essentially the war killed him.
2 (37m 42s):
Not overseas. It killed him when he came back and he never, never, never could recover, man. He left pieces of himself, overseas pieces of themselves. And that's what a lot of veterans go through, man. Yeah. Like I said, I'm at a point now where it's like, his death is fucking fueling me. I wake up every fucking day, man. I fucking make it a conscious effort to fucking win. And I think about, I have opportunity that like my brother doesn't have and it fuels me to want to be better.
2 (38m 24s):
And like I have a son who's just turned three and like he holds me accountable and that's what drives me to want to fucking stay motivated. Cause like I said, like my brother knew I needed him that day when I was in the hospital and he came and he showed up and he got us together just meet. He looked great. And then he died two months later. But like I said, I was in a situation where I couldn't grieve man in a relationship I couldn't grieve and it wasn't safe and now I'm just not a grieve and that yeah, I went to my parents' house and I've read the message he sent me and I just cry on the floor for like freaking like an hour dude.
2 (39m 7s):
I couldn't stop crying. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And I just kept saying like, God, man, like why, why him? Why not meet? Like take me into that. But
1 (39m 22s):
I can't imagine, I can't imagine, you know, losing, losing your only brother, not only your blood brother, but brother, brother at arms as well. You know, obviously you can hear, hear the, the passion and the S the sadness and the grief in your, in your voice. And it's, it's incredible. It really is. You know, I have an older brother and he did a couple of tours in Iraq and I'm close with them. I have other brothers as well, but you know, I, I can't imagine, I can't imagine what you're going through, but what I do know is that, you know, this life has fucking,
2 (40m 4s):
Has, has,
1 (40m 6s):
You know, thrown tons of tons of punches trauma, both on the battlefield and, and back home. But it seems like, you know, w with your, with your faith and, you know, with, with, with God watching our readers, there's nothing really that, that you're not going to be able to persevere through. I do want to touch on, you know, the co-occurring your, your brother obviously had had co co-occurring PTSD and substance use disorder, which, you know, if you have PTSD and the 33% of veterans with, with addiction problems also have PTSD.
1 (40m 57s):
And, you know, they're, they're two extremely tough battles. Even one by themselves is enough. But that to have both of them, it's, it's, it's definitely going to bring a lot of trials and tribulations, and it's affecting your family a lot. And, you know, I'm S I'm sorry, dude. I'm S I'm sorry that, you know, rest in peace.
2 (41m 21s):
Thank you. Yeah, but like I said, I just, like, there were certain people in my life at the time that like, just viewed them as a fucking addict. And like, dude, the dude was willing to die for his fucking country, man, like nearly lost his life. Right? Like, he's not just some average Joe Schmoe. Like, that's how some people cope. It's not like nothing it's right. Like, but like he had a numb the pain. And like I said, he died when he left Iraq and he never was the same. And I think that's why I'm so passionate about it. Like, I'm finally coming back into my own, but I, like, I literally was depressed for the last couple of years, personal shit. But now, now it's like, I S I'm seeing the world through a different lens. I changed my situation.
2 (42m 3s):
I lost 20 pounds. I'm doing intermittent fasting. I'm doing visualization, like EMDR therapy every week. I'm reading like this positive passage every day. Like I'm saying every day when I wake up, like my morning routine is like, I get up. Right. First thing I do, I get to my knees and I, and I practice gratitude. And I say, what I'm grateful for. Like, I'm like, I don't have to go to work. I get to go to work. I don't have to be that. I get to be a dad. Like, like, you know what I mean? Just change the narrative. And then, so I practice gratitude. And then I do a, my Headspace app. It's an app you can download. And I meditate for 10 to 15 minutes. And then from there, I actually look, it sounds kind of weird, but like, I have all these, like, I am affirmations.
2 (42m 48s):
I am brave. I am strong I'm or I'm loved bomb where they love, I deserve happiness myself in the mirror. And like I said, and I, I I've had like low self-esteem problems and obviously relationships that haven't been healthy. And then my mom leaving me as a, as a kid. I, you know, I questioned my, my self worth. And I look at myself in the mirror and I say, all these positive things to myself. And I'm like, you're worse than you were as a year warrior. Like, I'm me control my own destiny. I'm in control what I can do. And then I've read these quotes. And it's like, one of them is today. I remain focused on my goals. Even if I have a small moment of difficulty, I will not give up. I know success comes from consistency.
2 (43m 29s):
I know that I will make it no problem or challenge or stop me everything I'm working towards, come my way. And then I listened to some inky Johnson, or maybe some Jocko Willink. He's a former Navy seal. And then I go and day that sets, sets me up for success. And I work out and I fucking, like I said, I'm at the point now where like the grieving process and trauma work I'm doing in therapy while I'm able to process. So like, I look at it now, right in this a couple of years. But like, I look at my brother's death is like, it's, it's selfish of me to want him to still be here, because the way he was living was not, you know what I mean? That's there wasn't a standard. Like he, that it was suffering.
2 (44m 10s):
These places, the mess, he just tried to keep together for his kidney, did the best. He could literally, my brother fought to the end. And like, he, even when he was with his addiction and he knew enough to say, Hey cow, can you check up on my son? Or, Hey mom, can you check up on my son? Like, I'm in a program. He knew, he knew. And he always Ocala. You're a better man than me. Like, Chios was like, you should be the big brother, but you know, it is, you got a big brother. It's like, he's, he's the hero, no matter what, you know, but yeah, it's just, it's been tough, but I'm at the point now with the work I'm doing, like I get after it, like those who follow me on Instagram, the cow died 80, 84.
2 (44m 53s):
I get after it, but I'm not as fucking working in the room, any gym. I go to them, the hardest worker. And I pride myself on that. And that's what my brother was too. Like, he was a stud and I fucking pull my pain into the gym. And it's like, not about like me trying to look good for other people. It's like, it's more for my mental health. And like, that's something that I, you know, and I let myself go this last year. And I started the intermittent fasting. I eat from 12 to eight and I fast from eight to noon just cause I let myself go, man. I was in a situation where I just wasn't happy. And I just said, fuck it like gained a bunch of weight. And now like I'm dialed back in. And then now that I'm dialed in, I'm able to grieve and see my parents more and like just spending more time with my son.
2 (45m 38s):
But yeah, I, I I'm at the point where like his, his, the loss of him fuels me. It gets me up in the morning. Cause I look at a, in a lot of veterans, if we can switch our narrative in the brain to think of like, wow man, I lost my buddy, you know, Brandon SAB or Matthew Emerson died. Or, you know, like dudes that we fought with, they would love to be in our shoes. And that's why a lot of civilians, like they don't understand. I go to me, have it, man. Like, you know, like how lucky we are to live in the best country in the world. And like, I see that fucking flag man flying. I fucking get chills. I hear the national Anthem. I fucking cry, man. Cause I fucking know what it means. I know what it stands for.
2 (46m 19s):
And if we could flip it as like, yo we have an opportunity now to maximize our potential and live a life that would make them proud. And that's how I look at my brother. It's like, you're not here in the physical sense, but I'm so close to him. The spiritual sense, man. I feel his spirit man. I went to his grave a couple of weeks ago and I just fucking cried and I could feel his arm around me. And like, I feel so close to him now. It's fucking crazy man. But I look at it like, yo, I got an opportunity that he didn't. And I wanna, I wanna maximum my full potential and actually show like carry on the legacy man. Like I got my nephew and I had my son, like I want to carry the legacy of them. And also like, there was a beast man, like I said, he was wanting to die for his country, man.
2 (47m 2s):
Essentially he died for his country. Like he, he left himself pieces over there and it fuels me, man. It motivates me to want to be better. And like I said, it's, it's hard though. Like it's doing the right thing is hard. And like, like I said, as hard as I'm working physically, like I'm working a hundred times harder mentally man, like it's the mental game is everything that, that internal dialogue, what you say to yourself, how you talk to yourself, how you love, how respect yourself. That's all got to do with it, man. Like I'm a big quote guy and I love this quote it's if it isn't something physical that is stopping you, then it's mental. Is your mind going to be your weapon or your weakness?
2 (47m 42s):
I, my success for making my mind, my weapon and I'm at the point where my mind is my fucking weapon right now and I'm dialed the fucking I'm hitting center mass. Like, and I feel like I'm so centered right now because of like the therapy I'm doing and my meditation and the grounding and visualization and tapping like manifesting it. Like I do the visualization and that's basically like, what I do is I have it on a piece of paper and I write, I visitation my goal is to improve myself worse because I have low self-esteem. I felt like I'm not worthy of a, of a good partner life partner. I'm not worthy of love, just cause childhood stuff, the inner child shit.
2 (48m 23s):
So I, I have it written down where like fistulization and prove myself for us. I visualize what my life looks like when I fully started loving it and accepting myself, ah, and all the positive emotions I feel so like the positive emotions are like, you know, I walked taller. I believe in myself. I'm confident. I, I no longer have any negative. Self-talk like, so I'm S I'm visualizing myself actually doing that in those cool things, backed by science. It's like, your brain doesn't know the difference. If you can visualize it, your brain is actually happening. So therefore you manifest it. So I'm visualizing that. And then I'm visualizing, like I'm trying to take the next step in my career for corrections and become a Lieutenant God-willing and I'm visualizing myself like becoming a Lieutenant.
2 (49m 6s):
And like, I walk into the room, I walk anywhere and like, I command the room. I don't even have to say anything. My presence, my hours speaks for itself. Like just the sound and confident, like I'm visualizing myself making decisions, like, you know, all that works, man. Like I said, if you want to change your life, like it starts by taking extreme ownership. And that starts with like damn fucked up. Like I was gonna hang myself. I was gonna fucking kill myself several times in my life, but I went and got help, you know, like
1 (49m 37s):
Other, I know that, I know that when we kicked this off, you know, I said that, that, you know, you and your brother are here, or as you said, you, you know, you, some humility kicked in obviously. And you said, you know, I I'm not, but I know a few, but Killa, Cal, I certainly would disagree. I'd say not only is your brother and hero, you, you know, a certain hero, you know, he suffered in silence a lot, obviously, but you are most definitely a hero of broke special. Your, your ability to, to S to speak on, on these things and, and life has, has fucking thrown everything it's got at you so far.
1 (50m 17s):
And, you know, just, just some of the things that you're doing to, to not only work on your obviously fitness is one thing, a lot of guys in the military, they like to stay fit, but, but the metal work you're done with the EMDR and, you know, you're waking up for 5:00 AM in the morning and, you know, giving thanks for what you have with, with the gratitude and you're meditating and, and you know, the affirmations and it goes on with the visual, the visual, you know, you visualizing all these things of success and, and you're manifesting your life. I mean, you just got, give me a correction officer of the year.
2 (50m 55s):
Yeah, yeah. I just got that today, actually. Yeah. And dude, honestly, I swear it's because I started digitalization, man. Like I just like corrections, you know, great, great job in the sense of like a pension in and you can make good money, but it's not like a job that gives you the warm and fuzzy. It's like, you know what I mean? It's like, because you're dealing with a bunch of shit bags and be honest. Yeah. You're dealing with yeah. Dudes that just make excuses about, but, but like it's a negative work environment. So it's, it's crucial for me to like, keep my mental health squared away and like stay positive. And, and that's why the visitation, like, I, I was visualizing myself at work, just like changing the whole culture, man.
2 (51m 36s):
Like I'm trying to, you know, it's a negative environment I'm trying to like inspire others and motivate and lead man. I'm not, you know, that's why I wanna become a Lieutenant. Like, I don't want to supervise, I want to lead. And as a leader, I would never tell you to do something. I wouldn't do myself. You know? Like, so you, you, you got like those that are struggling, man. Trust me. I know what it's like to, to like be at the bottom. I know what it's like to like be without and feel hopeless. Like I remember just being so depressed when I came back from Iraq, my second deployment, we were in a Fort bliss and they had us in those little chews in a desert man. And I just remember being so fucking depressed that I felt like I was still overseas, but S sandstorms over there and everything I do, I lost, like I got down to like right now, like 1 97 dude, but I got down to like 170 pounds brawling.
2 (52m 25s):
My teeth were like chipping. Cause I, I couldn't eat. Like I couldn't leave. Like, it was hard for me to even go to the store dude. Like that's how the press I got. But I also wasn't doing anything about my mental health. I was also just, just going through the motions and not admitting I needed help. And finally, when I talked to T K, he was like, dude, you need to get the help. Or like, it's okay. Like, you know, that's why I always, I fucking love taking him, man. Like that dude, fucking, you saved my life in that sense to where he was just like, he made it okay for me to feel, you know what I mean? And, and I think that's what a lot of veterans struggle with. Cause like the Eagle man, the Eagle gets you killed, especially in combat arms a lot, you know?
2 (53m 5s):
It's like, everyone's trying to be a tough guy, Bo like be tough later, man. Like you gotta cry, cry. Like, do I fucking cry every day? I I've been crying fucking last month, man. Like every day about my brother about like my own personal shit I'm dealing with in my personal life. Like, dude, you gotta feel man, vulnerabilities stress, man. It takes courage to be seen. Like you really are in that moment, you know?
1 (53m 28s):
Yeah, absolutely. And T K certainly a leader. I'm sure you picked up a lot of your leadership capabilities.
2 (53m 34s):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Humble guy too.
1 (53m 37s):
Yeah. Extremely humble checkout. Anybody who's listening if you haven't heard it yet, but one more for the airborne ranger in the sky that's to go as TKs podcasts. That's his story. Killa. Cal your story has been, has been, you know, phenomenal, almost unreal. You've really been through a fucking lot. Your ability to persevere
2 (54m 2s):
Through
1 (54m 5s):
Multiple tours, multiple heavily, almost everyday combat situations in 2003 and in two thousand six thousand seven, your humble beginnings, the loss, the loss of your brother, which is, you know, I feel like when, when, when we lose somebody that's extremely close to us. It's it's an ongoing process forever. I mean it's but it, it sounds like, you know, like you said, you're, you're locked in center mace and Killa Cal. There's nothing. There's nothing. That's gonna stop you. You got big, you got big things coming. I told you, I feel at night. And I, and I'm, I'm not just saying that because you're on The Daily American.
1 (54m 45s):
I truly believe that. Absolutely. Absolutely. And as I've stated before you and your brother, the Reynoso's are our heroes in my eyes, regardless of the humility, the humility that you guys possess. And I just want to say, you know, The Daily American, well welcomes you back anytime, Killa, Cal, and your story is going to help a lot. A lot of people out there, not just veterans, but yeah. Yeah.
2 (55m 16s):
And that's kind of what I wanted to get out there is like, like, okay. Yeah. I was a former Sergeant United States, army infantry. You got my Sergeant two years, three months. And like with all these alpha males and leading troops in combat and it's like, dude, if I don't know how to put it into words, man, like I just want people to know. I just want people to know like, dude, you're not alone, man. Like, like where you are right now, it doesn't have to be your you're forever. And, and you know, you can always recreate yourself, man. And you gotta think of that. Versiti man, like this is like, I'm not saying I welcome.
2 (55m 58s):
Like I go looking for adversity, but dude, when it comes, you gotta welcome it. You gotta walk, walk towards the fear, man, because at the end of the day, that's what makes you stronger, man. That's how you grow, man. You don't grow from comfort and convenience when you grow during trial and controversy, man. And if you know that you work for something, man, like if you're working hard, like I'm working hard, man. Like the harder you work, man, the harder it is to surrender man. And the more, more you work, the more trust you gaining in yourself. So like, dude, start hooking up your tool bag, man, putting the tools in there. And man, cause it's like, dude, start therapy. Start talking to people that have been through it. Like change your whole mindset of like stop, stop being around toxic people.
2 (56m 40s):
People drain your energy. There's so many things you can do, man, to get the help. And there is help out there. But a lot of some people are just too, too prideful. And the ego gets in the way. But like I said, you're not alone, man. Everyone of us is fighting a battle that people know nothing about and there's help out there. You just gotta make that decision. You guys make that step. And like I said, the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life harder than pulling triggers and Iraq shit was admitting that I was, I felt weak admitting that I need get help, man. But I'm so glad that I was able to like have the mental capacity and emotional intelligence to just get the help. And even like my brother, like that dude was fucking battling addiction left and right. And like he was able to like put his addiction aside, get me, help contact, everybody, come see me look great.
2 (57m 26s):
And then he died two months. Like he was like, I almost felt like he did that for me. And then he was like, it's time for me to go abroad. I love you man. But I, I believe in you, like you got this now. Like I said, I just want people to, like, I share my story, not to like, oh look what I did, but I want to fucking inspire change, man. And like you said, like I'm humbled, but I do feel like I have a bigger purpose. I don't know what the hell that is, but I'm a man of faith and I'm at the point where I just like, I just want to get out of God's way and just whatever you need, like use me, use me, Lord. Like whatever you need me to do. But I feel like something special is going to happen. And, and I just want to be a bright light in often them world.
1 (58m 8s):
Absolutely. I think that, I think, you know, the last thing I want to say is, you know, I, I think something, something you quoted that's going to stick with me forever is, you know, I, I don't, I don't pray or I don't ask God for, for a lighter load, but put a sturdier back. And I think that defines your life brother. I really think that defines your life.
2 (58m 33s):
Yeah. They're they're quote of like, I never asked the Lord for, for a lighter load. I just tramped in my back and I do feel, I do feel that though, like I hold myself to the highest standards and I, you know, there's been times where I let myself go, but I've always ended up coming right back stronger and better mentally. But yeah, it's true man. And how do you strengthen your back? It's not just physically noon. Pull-ups like, dude, you gotta start put the work in man. Even like therapy. You gotta tough like visualization, acupuncture. There's so much like a monster, like new age shit. Like I dunno. I just think like if you, if you think that you can manifest it and you just speak it into existence, man, like you got a visual side, it's crazy, man.
2 (59m 18s):
I'm just humbled. And I'm grateful that I had an opportunity to share my or your podcasts. I think, I think your podcast is going to blow up. I think it's a matter of time. You gotta just keep grinding, bro. But I believe that this is going to be a big podcast, man. And I'm honored to be a part of it. I
1 (59m 33s):
Appreciate that big time Killa, Cal. And I'm proud to call you a brother
2 (59m 39s):
And likewise brown liquid,
1 (59m 41s):
The Daily American welcomes you back anytime
2 (59m 45s):
Now, like I say, I appreciate it man. And just, whoever's going through struggles, man. You're not alone, man. Strength is the product of struggle and then forget that without trial there's no triumph, you know? So just dig in fight, man, dig in and fight.
1 (1h 0m 1s):
Amen. Dan, The Man and Killa Cal or out.
2 (1h 0m 4s):
Yeah, out Sergeant Ray Killa, Cal